| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|10:18 pm] |
1. Ever been given a ring?
not in that context
2. Longest Relationship?
5 mo.
3. Last gift you received?
a hat from my grandmother
4. How many times have you dropped your cell?
too many
5. Last time you worked out?
a while ago
6. Thing(s) you spend a lot of money on?
rent. food. books. travel.
7. Last food you ate?
salad
8. First thing you notice about the opposite sex?
facial expressions
9. One favorite song:
"Milk and Honey", Jackson C. Frank
10. Where do you live?
Davis
11. High school you attended?
Nevada Union
12. Cell phone service provider:
verizon
13. Favorite mall store:
The gift shop at the national gallery of art in washington DC
14. Longest Job held:
2 years, I think
15. Do you own a pair of dice?
several
16. Do you prank call people?
sometimes
17. Last wedding attendend?
dawn and rich
18. First friend you'd call if you won the lottery?
dad
19. Last time you attended church:
grandpa's funeral? does that count?
20. Favorite fast food restaurant?
jamba juice
21. Biggest lie you have ever heard?
love is dead/rock n' roll is dead
22 Where do you work?
in the gallows
23. Where's your favorite place to eat with friends?
Ike's, DOV
24. Can you cook?
yes
25. What car do you drive?
i don't.
26. Best kisser?
eh
27.Last time you cried?
28. Most disliked food?
ham.
29. Thing you like most about yourself:
i am not numb by any means
30. Thing you dislike most about yourself:
procrastination
31. Person you want to do in a bad way?
uhhhh ha nice question
32. Longest shift you have worked at a job?
8 hours
33. Favorite Movie?
talk to her
34. Can you sing?
yes
35. Last concert attended?
garrett' pierce
37. Last movie rented:
i dunno
38. Favorite Alcoholic drink?
red red wine
39. Thing you never leave home without?
phone, brain
40. Favorite vacation spot?
my garden back home |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|12:40 pm] |
January
1. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
probably to stop procrastinating... it failed
2.Who kissed you at midnight?
nobody
4. Do you like hot chocolate?
of course i LIKE it
5. Have you ever been to times square to watch the ball drop?
no
February
1. Who was your valentine in 2005?
ben
2. What did your valentine get you?
a cd with songs he'd written for me. and the words "you're a horrible, horrible human being. i never want to see you again, ever." (we broke up on valentine's day)
3. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?
yes, of course. it was cute.
March
1. Are you Irish?
a tiny bit
April
1. Do you like the rain?
if it's not too cold and i'm dressed properly
2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
i don't recall
3. Did you get tons of candy on easter?
not really
May
1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
i'm lame and like roses a lot
3. Do you like the spring?
yes
4. Finish the phrase: April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?
american chumps
5. What would you think of as a spring color?
pale green
June
1. What year did you graduate from school?
2004
2. Did you go on any vacations last June?
i went home
July
1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
boat party!
3. Did you go on any vacations during this month?
sf for one weekend, that's it
August
1. Did you do anything special to end off your summer?
no, i just left without a word
2. What was your favorite summer memory of '05?
the boat party was pretty amazing... went to some amazing shows... some amazing dance parties...
3. Do you go swimming a lot in the summer?
yes, i went to the river almost every day... never went a week without it
4. Do you go to the beach a lot?
no, i should have.
September
1. Did you attend school/college in '05?
started my 2nd yr
2. Who is/was your favorite teacher?
my lit crit teacher was hot
3. Do you like fall better than summer?
yes, especially when i'm in nevada city, which i wasn't
October
1. What was your favorite halloween costume ever?
well i was a hippy for halloween one year and some guy called me a "female john lennon", which made me happy because that's pretty much what i aspire to be
2. what's your favorite candy?
reeses, 3 musketeers, smarties, neccos, dark chocolate..... ahh
3. what did you dress up like this year?
weird earth dwelling evil nymph manson child, according to everyone else
November
1. Whose house do you usually go to for thanksgiving?
depends
2. Do you love stuffing?
the noun or the verb?
3. What are you thankful for?
friendship and family and the arts, fer real.
December
1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
yes
2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
no
3. What do you want this year for Christmas?
a digi cam
4. What's the best present you ever got for Christmas?
my mom made me a quilt on the yr she couldn't afford presents
5. Do you like cold weather?
yes, in nevada city or in the mountains (backpacking) or in a big city. not in davis. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|02:30 am] |
i'm getting semi-serious about my music. it's scary because it's quite a risk. and it's a personal risk too. music is heartbreakingly personal.
i talked to my old guitar teacher, neil, today. i told him about how i had been intimidated by the NC music scene... about how they were all amazing musicians and i felt like i couldn't put music out into the world until i moved to davis. and it's proved to be true. he said something really nice: "yeah, but you're 10 times better than any of them. they might get that success right now but you'll be able to go much farther with it." he also said something like "geniuses like us" and he told me that i could be a professional musician if i wanted to - that there's no question about it. he was so sweet and it made me feel so much better about myself and my abilities. mentor figures are really very important. i love him like a family member. i used to go into my lessons and just cry for the full half hour while he talked to me about why i was upset. he was as much a friend and a mentor and a counselor as he was a teacher. i don't know how i can ever thank him. maybe with doing something with my music. i really think i told him some stuff that i didn't even tell my own father or mother. he was there for me at a very, very dark part of my life. and he has been the most supportive of me and my music from the get-go. he told my mom that i was the best student he ever had. that kills me.
i'm supposed to play at delta tomorrow. i'm terrified. |
|
|
| and more again |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|02:27 am] |
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written. |
|
|
| survey for YOU |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|01:53 am] |
Respond to this with your name and I will answer the following questions in regards to YOU:
1. What do you wish for this person more than anything?
2. Who should this person be with, ideally?
3. What's a good color on this person?
4. Have you ever seen this person fall or trip?
5. What's this person's best personality trait?
6. What's this person's worst personality trait?
7. What disneyland ride would they enjoy and why?
8. What celebrity would they look good with?
9. Are they more likely to end up as a carnie or as a mcdonalds worker?
10. What's your favorite memory of this person?
11. What's your favorite thing to do with this person?
12. Make a prediction about this person's career.
13. Make a prediction about this person's love life.
14. Make a prediction about what they would have been in a past life (if past lives existed)
15. What would you make this person for dinner if you were to invite them over? |
|
|
| reunited with my old best friend |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|11:51 am] |
i have recently gotten back in touch with my first-ever friend and first-ever boyfriend. his name is nathan. i found him on the facebook, of all places.
we were best, best friends way back when. his birthday was in october, so he'd always have these halloween/birthday parties with scary stories and scary music and those boxes that you reach into and feel the contents of. he was awesome. his favorite animal was a pegasus. we were both really into the last unicorn. i remember going to chuck-e-cheese with him and playing legos with him. his mother's name was raphaela and she was this extremely sweet woman.
once, we were in preschool and i said to him, (i initiated it) "hey, do you want to have sex?" i was four or five. he said yes, so we went around to all the other kids saying, "hey, do you want to come watch us have sex in the bathroom?" pretty much every kid, without fail, said yes. so we coralled all these kids to come watch us, and then we went in the big bathroom, the teachers' bathroom, and put a chair up against the door with all the kids inside. all i remember is that i told them i needed to pee first, so i peed. and then he and i were both naked and kissed. at about that point one of the teachers came into the bathroom with a key and i was more humiliated than i've ever been in my whole life.
anyway, yeah, nathan. now he's really into indie and 60's grunge. he plays guitar and is trying to write a book. he likes the pixies. i'm so happy that after all these years we grew to be similar rather than different. i can't wait to keep a dialogue going with him. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|11:58 pm] |
Grey is what I am capable of.
My father showed me the ropes
And hid the ends.
They say my soot is your fault;
That Fairness would restrict you
To photograph
And store you in a book which might be lost
And found only on a white beach
By wrinkled hands.
I tell them that my eyes are your salt
And that it pains me to see you parched.
I am putting your thoughts through a sieve.
You do not seem to mind.
And I claim your arms.
The other girls tell me you have ghost limbs.
I ask that you do not let me dull you
But I also ask that you do not fear for my own luster.
You are matte on the other side
Of this discriminating
Colander.
I drink the cool liquid
Because I can not bear to see
The luster that it lacks.
My grandmother told me
Between quilt stitches,
Between turns of a clock hand,
That she would soon forget.
Deeming her memory enough of a burden to lose
I asked no favor or advice from her:
A loss of respect would make her pack too light.
I went to the one who I used to watch dive
Into luster immortal
For abalone.
He told me that I must try you out on soil
To see what might grow.
But I want to grow things independently
Of your influence,
That you might see their fruit and remark upon
Its foreignness to your eye;
So that I might show you how you are wrong;
That it is not so foreign.
And now, these things do grow,
And know not from where
Or whom
They are fed.
I was told that deprivation
Would lead to an infertile mind,
And so I feed but do not recognize the brand
Nor the make
Of this fuel.
They grow.
Yellow aspires toward green
But banks on brown,
Mud left by your low tides.
I’m chewing your words with my teeth
And in doing so, something breaks.
I now take your words in liquid form
And feel an infant.
I am left only to wait
For error to cause some bay of thought to remain
whole,
insoluble,
Adrift.
It is these truths that I can understand;
These truths that paint things in green;
These truths that I choke on:
Perhaps when at last you see death
At your doorstep
You find that life is already in your house
And that he has removed his coat
In preparation for a long stay.
I want to take my welcome mat and burn it
To ash.
My father asks that you do not give me reason
To do so.
I relay his message to you and it shines. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|04:40 pm] |
i sit here in roma. inside, because i don't want to be around smokers. i just ran into rob and inna as they passed me (it was planned) on the way to campus as i fled campus. they are two of the best people i know. and i have not known them long. and so i am left with nothing but excitement about all that i may know of them in the rest of the year.
i am excited about life lately. it's been a while. i am excited in a very cynical woody-allen-esque way. i feel that nothing good has happened to me with romantic relationships in so long that it's actually most likely that something good will happen soon and much less likely that something won't. my luck can't go any farther down, which means that it can only go upwards. even a small incline will be greatly appreciated.
i'm very tired of assuming all the time that people are thinking ill of me. i think i'm going to stop assuming anything at all and just take peoples' words for what they mean and not read between the audial lines. i don't know if i'm able, but i will try.
i've been eating more salad than at any other point in my life. it is expensive.
i want to shop but have no money.
a man has begun to play the piano in roma and it's reminding me that spontaneous creativity and inspiration - even "covers" of old classical songs - make me feel warm and christmas-y. he's very good and makes me want a piano more than i knew. but know it i did. and still i do. my heart has a little piece missing and that piece is wedged between two white keys in some piano far away that plays as easy as go fish and sounds like the wind in my dreams.
i'm going home tomorrow night. i'm seeing everyone again. i am filled to my crown with a feeling of warmth and anticipation. if nothing else, i will get a hug from each of those dear to me.
perhaps i will begin playing the piano at roma whenever my friends smoke cigarettes. i will not smoke, and i will practice piano more.
resolution #1 is this: begin playing piano in the practice rooms on campus at least once a week.
resolution #2: find a piano teacher or decide to take a class at the experimental college.
my cousin is meeting me for dinner in but a moment.
i have more love for a certain individual than i am able to express. i think he appreciates it in the best way that he can.
i'm only writing like this because this music is making me all dreamy.
like maxfield parish.
or philip glass.
or the velveteen rabbit.
inna and i are going to see the nutcracker in the city.
she is going to visit me in nevada city hopefully and i am going to prove to her how easily all the men there will fall in love with her.
i want to buy a white cat but nesa is allergic. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|02:36 am] |
|
sad cobbles and sweet cobbles and cobbles that scrape your heel where it licks the dirt. soon i will meet, once again, those where i walked my five-year-old feet so new. and now, older heels, and now, older streets. and now, kinder scrapes with faster healing. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2005|11:31 am] |
|
i want to go somewhere quiet and grey where i sleep curled in dust and wake curled in sunlight. i am afraid. i am afraid that i will live to be grey myself and afraid that this day will come before i have shown all of you all that i have to show. slowly i am admitting to myself that the anxiety i have about people and about my need to express myself fully branch from the same source: a need to express the truth and be understood, even if not believed. it sickens me that today has created an atmosphere in which truth is mistaken for desperation or imposition; expression in its earliest stages is mistaken for immitation or idolization. friendship is mistaken for a cohort of power and promises or even suggestions fall limp by the hour in mass numbers. i will never feel entirely comfortable in social situations. i will never be able to fully trust human beings. i will never lose that instinctual flinch that i have in response to quick movements. i will never eat quite as well as i should. i will consistently drive people away because my actions confuse them and they will not care to ask for clarification. i will drive people away because they will somehow foolishly think that i am trying to expell my past pains because i am proud of them. and i am not so bold as to reap pride from hurt and abuse. i cope in the best way i know. i will upgrade and downgrade and look for things better, and you will do the same. i do not expect more of you. i do not care. if this is the price that i must expend for the beginnings of what i feel to be something closer to a truth, then i will keep moving closer to that truth and i will do so entirely on my own. i will wake to the sun and sleep in the dust and the faces on the streets outside my window will be strangers to me. it is the only way i have known. i believe that it does not have to be that way, but for me it seems to be. i will love my friends more than i can express, and when i come close to expressing it, they will not listen or they will leave my life in fear of my motives. i will be paranoid. i will be delusional. i will assume the absolute worst. again and again i try to extend myself to other people through kindness and again and again i am shut down. why? do people not trust my sincerity? and what have i done to warrant this mistrust? or do people just have other reasons for not wanting to be associated with me? am i too young; too naive; too honest? do i remind them too much of themselves, or do i remind them too much of the fact that they feel things too? why are people so afraid to feel? whether it's a good feeling or a bad feeling, it is essential. i would rather be misunderstood than never tell my friends that i love them, in the only way i am capable of, and i will make sure that, if nothing else, they know i will keep them in my mind until the dusty end. fuck elitism. fuck ageism. fuck your currency which is guilt and fuck your lack of self regard. yes, i am young, and yes, most of my friends are older than i am. why is it assumed that i am trying to be something that i am not or that i am trying to act older than i am? i feel older than i am. i always have. but most importantly, i want to surround myself with people who are at the same point as i am artistically and consciously; the same point or farther along. i want to surround myself with these people because i want to be inspired; pushed; challenged; humbled. we're all living and breathing here and we all are trying to do the same things. i'm not doing what i do because it's what i think other people want to see. i'm doing what i do because i need to. passion is the most precious thing i can think of out of every facet of existence, and those who deny passion are denying life itself. to ignore past hurts is to let them build inside of you. to turn them into positive energy or creative energy is to evolve. i will turn each soul that turns away from me into another source of fuel for my art. i ask for nothing more of you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|11:28 am] |
looking over my old posts, i am horrified and shocked. here's why:
literally EVERY other post is one of two things:
a) a post about how much i like somebody but how confused i am
or
b) a post explaining in detail a plan i have, filled with excitement for the future.
here's why i'm scared: ALL of the things i planned to do fell through. ALL of the (few) boys that i wrote of fell through.
i want good things to happen to me. please.
honestly, i feel so alone. i've been single since february. i want to fall in love. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2005|10:53 am] |
i like someone new. a lot. he's going to confuse me to the point of distress like the last person did. i wish boys in general would just tell me up front what is going on because i let myself care too much about people and all of it gets scalded. he lives in LA. i saw him on friday night and had an amazing time, though it was cut short. he called that night, and then the next day. i called him back and told him i'd have to call later because my phone was cutting out. my phone died an hour later before i had the chance to call him back to see him that night. thus, i feel like an asshole. i finally called back when i got my phone charged the next night, (this was yesterday) but he didn't return my call. perhaps he will tonight... i really hope so. otherwise i think i fucked it up and it's my fault and my fault alone.
i spent the weekend in the city with inna. it was the best weekend i've had in a long, long time. and a really amazing growing experience.
we went to her mom's real estate party; we drank backstage at a saul williams show; i smoked a joint with saul williams; i walked around with the LA boy extremely high and felt really close somehow to him, which scares me and saddens me because it's probably all in my head; i met some of her amazing friends; i bought 3 dresses for 20 dollars; i ate a lot of salads and smoothies; had some amazing conversations.
just pretty amazing all around.
i hope that he calls me or writes me. i feel like a fool. why the fuck do things like this never go smoothly for me? i always ruin things. i had the opportunity to kiss him and i passed it by because of fear. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|10:36 am] |
|
more and more, i like the idea of living my life completely honestly, to the point where i am completely alone but without the sorts of regrets or guilt that come from sugarcoating my words or shying away from telling someone i love them or being afraid to defend myself or my perspective. if that fear of truth is what brings people close to one another, and it seems to be the case a lot of the time, i am eager to shun such an existence. more and more, i like the idea of being alone but putting all of my bottled energy (which will be a lot, as a result of this) into my paintings and my writing and my music. i like the idea of having my thoughts and feelings sent to a place where they cannot let me down; where they take form as something concrete and lasting; where they are set in stone and embodied by the masks of sound and color - things that people enjoy. where they add a beauty and an honesty to the world - which is all i really want to do. i think this would be the best form of love imaginable. not a selfish love, but a love for art itself and for the human mind's ability to share its feelings with others in the form of self-expression. in this way my thoughts and feelings will be taken in by more people than could otherwise have been possible. in this way, they will be transformed into something beautiful,and thus the world will be transformed, as well as the lives affected by it. and the end result will be something i will be fully content with. i will be without the regrets of wasting time on men that did not understand or did not communicate. i will be without the regrets related to not being as productive as i might have wanted with my art. most of all, people will understand things. this is something that seems impossible sometimes with person-to-person friendships and relationships. if honesty pushes people away then i will bloody well push people away. that goes for all of you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|09:43 am] |
>1. First name? Katherine (Katie, Kate)
>
>2. Were you named after anyone? Katherine Hepburn
>
>3. Do you wish on stars? Yes, especially shooting stars
>
>4. When did you last cry? Ummm, three days ago while watching Garden State (I've been too emotional)
>
>5. Do you like your handwriting? Yes
>
>6. What is your favorite lunch meat? not into lunch meat really
>
>7. What is your birth date? Dec. 27, 1985
>
>8. What is your most embarrassing CD? Old goo goo dolls (when they were punk) - hey i like it a lot
>9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? But of course
>
>10. Do you have a journal? no
>
>11. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No (hahaha)
>
>12. What are your
>nicknames?Kate, Kates, Dels, Katie-did, Katie-Kates
>13. Would you bungee jump? sure
>
>14. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off ? i kinda have to
>
>15. Do you think that you are strong? mentally, yes. physically, not so much.
>
>16. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? butter pecan, coffee, chocolate, vanilla, ginger, green tea
>
>17. Shoe Size? 10 - 10.5
>
>18. Red or pink? Red
>
>19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? being too sensitive, moody, taking things too personally, self-isolation
>
>20. Who do you miss most? noah and nesa, like a sickness.
>
>21. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? not really, i mean sure. i don't care
>
>22. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? i just woke up - sweatpants and no shoes
>
>23. What are you listening to right now? nothing
>24. Last thing you ate? toast
>
>25. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? orange-yellow-pink. like an orangey sunset.
>
>26. Last person you talked to on the phone? alli
>
>27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? intelligence
>
>28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yes
>
>29. Alcohol? Yes.
>
>30. Hair Color? brownish blondeish
>
>31. Favorite sport? basketball, to watch. swimming and windsurfing to participate in.
.
>
>32. Favorite Food? peas, thai food, sushi, indian food
>
>33. Last Movie You Watched? The Graduate (fucking amazing of course)
>
>34. Favorite day Of the Year? christmas
>
>35. Summer or winter? both
>
>36. Hugs or Kisses? either
>
>37. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? ummmmm dark dark chocolate
>
>38. Most likely to respond? dunno
>
>39. Least Likely To Respond? dunno
>
>40. Living Arrangements? nesa in the fall, parents for the summer
>
>41. What Books Are You Reading? Kafka on the Shore, Notes from Underground
>
>42. What's On Your Mouse Pad? no mouse pad
>
>>43. What Did You Watch Last Night? The Graduate
>
>44. Favorite Smells? vanilla extract, cinnamon
>
>45. Favorite Sounds? music, laughter, eloquent conversation
>
>46. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Both, like a sickness
>
>47. What's the farthest you've been from home? Arica, Chile.
>
>48. Do you have a special talent? Several |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|01:14 pm] |
fuck this mind sewage.
live journal is just another way to channel creativity and energy into wasteful outlets. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|03:55 pm] |
in the waters
of dialogue between us
i assumed my skin to be sand
(paper).
in pieces for your taking,
divided into smaller parts
of a larger,
more (mytho)logical (w)hole,
my back carved an arch
in the fathoms
below
your implications divine.
the clouds grew downward
from the sky
like mold,
loose strings of rain
sweeping by me
like shredded curtains of lace
as i paced
in time
turning rocks to dust
with my heel.
broken, it was less of a party
shoe,
and your face was
enough
of an illness
i suffered. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|03:53 pm] |
I expect you to tremble
Below me in my hatred for you
Which was, I know, spawned by
The most innocent breed of love.
I do not feel that I am a part of my body.
I run from your detached limbs
Arms, trees,
And into those things that remain constant:
Anger, and hunger
And the desire to expel
All that is within,
Even at the expense of the body
(For I feel not a part of it).
You are just in your decisions
If they involve my expulsion
Or my slaughter,
For I have done no good to you –
Done nothing but expose
Your wicked motives
And your path of destruction.
Disguised as a angel,
You are an epidemic.
Thank you for sinking in your teeth
Because you have given me enough hatred
(and it is my fuel)
To slaughter you with beauty. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|09:31 am] |
buck's boat party was a lot of fun... i was talking to little dan last night and he estimated something like 150 + people there filtering in and out over those five days. i took a lot of photographs, most of which got ruined when I tried to unload my film and failed miserably... but that's alright i suppose. i did a lot of dancing and spent a lot of time with brook/david/jake/lindsey/cody. cody, brook and i went on a canoe ride one evening... cody was holding a budweiser in each hand, trying to get into the canoe from this little dock. he ended up slipping on the rock (or the rock slipped from under him) and falling... one foot in spencer's boat, turning it completely upside-down, and another in the water... in the middle of falling, he sort of clung on to the rock next to him with the bottoms of 2 beer cans, but it didn't really work out... he ended up submerged in water from the waist down. it's funny that he didn't think once of dropping the beers.
nevada city is truly amazing, as are the people here.
i got a job at lamppost pizza again... my first day was yesterday. everything came back to me incredibly fast, which was awesome... it will be nice to have a little spending money for once. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dustybrillobox's journal